Trust

Trust. It has been an issue with me today. Nobody did anything wrong. I just have trouble sometimes trusting people to be who they say they are. I worry that people will test my loyalties, manipulate my feelings, and lie to me. I hate feeling that way.

Part of me wonders why I am like that, and part of me knows why. I haven't always been like this. Not at all. I think that living in the culture I do has contributed to it somewhat. In Turkey it seems that people don't trust each other until they prove themselves to be trustworthy. In America we seem to think the opposite. We seem to trust until someone has failed us. I think that by watching the people here take care in how much they say, and seeing the hateful, hurtful, spiteful words spoken behind peoples' backs I, too, have learned to be careful in what I say. I've learned to be careful who I trust. And of course not all Turks are like that. And lots of Americans are. I am not trying to stereotype here. Just noticing a difference in the way we handle trust.

Another thing that I think has contributed to my issues of trust is the feeling of being let down by someone I cared about. I don't think I realized how much this affected me until I felt myself be wary of others. I am over it now, but the lingering effects of it still hit me when I am dealing with friends. Especially new ones. Ones that haven't had a chance to prove themselves. And the thing is I shouldn't need them to prove themselves. I shouldn't test them that way. Letting them in may be a slow thing. It takes time to build friendship. But questioning their authenticity shouldn't be the norm. I'm working on this. I want real, authentic friendships.

Thanks to those of you willing to walk through this journey with me. Thanks for teaching me how to trust. Thanks for being my friends.