Sunday, October 12, 2008


As I sat here today and read through all the kind and encouraging comments on my last post I decided that instead of responding to everyone I would just write a post saying thanks. You guys sure know how to make a girl feel better! I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to comment and let me know you are thinking about me and praying for me. And it was also nice hearing you say that I am not crazy and that it is normal for me to be feeling all that I am with all that I have going on. I also appreciate the messages, emails, and phone calls from those of you who didn't just want to leave a comment. You guys are the best!

Yesterday and today have been much better. I seem to be fine for a few days and then one day just kicks me in the tail. I debated writing when I was down like that, but I know how much I appreciate when I read about others struggles. I love when people are real. I know that sometimes we can't share all that we are struggling with because of the nature of the struggle. I also know that when I get glimpses of the real person behind the writing it makes their writing come alive for me. I decided to just take my chances and see what came out. Thanks for reading and understanding!

I will let you in on a little secret about my struggle last week. Brian was out of town. The week before he was gone for three days. I am used to him doing quite a bit of traveling and normally don't have any problems with it. These last two weeks, however, were different. There were times I needed to process stuff that could only be processed with him. There were times I needed someone to just see what needed to be done and do it. Sometimes when I get in those moods I am mean and cranky. It is best for me not to talk to people who might not handle the ugly so well. Brian is used to my piss poor self and doesn't let it bother him. I had several people tell me that I should have called them when I was feeling that way. I honestly don't think that it would have helped. I just needed to wade through some of it alone since Brian wasn't here. It was ok. I didn't enjoy it, but I can see the good in having to do it. There were lessons there in the muddy.

Oh, and something else I was thinking. Babies cry every day. Toddlers cry just about every day. At some point we grow up enough to not need to cry every day. I was thinking about that. Crying. I can be an emotional person. I don't normally cry a lot though. Lately I have been a veritable waterworks. I have cried 26 days in a row. 26!!! The tears came for all different kinds of reasons, but still. 26!!! I wonder how old I was the last time I cried that many days in a row. I'm sure it was when I was a kid. I wonder when the day will come when there won't be tears. Will I even realize that I haven't cried?

I do have a couple of ideas for posts. The words are swimming around in my head. I'm not sure I can write them yet, but I'm just glad to know there is something in there besides crazy!


Momo Fali said...

I cry just about every day. My ob/gyn says it's hormonal...so I have that going for me.

HeyJoe said...

Great post Natalie. Writing honestly is very hard, which is why so many of us never do. You do, and for that you should be proud.

Anonymous said...

Crying doesn't make you a baby. Know that. There would be a lot of people considered newborns if it were so. :-) Looking forward to your posts- support can always be found with your fans and friends and family!

Mamadallama said...

I laughed when I read your post! Sorry about that! I'm not laughing AT you but because it sounds like we could be twins. If I didn't know my family history I would be wondering for sure. As to crying, that part of your post made me think. I remember a time in my life when I didn't cry every day, too. But I think the longer you live the more things there are to cry about. Sometimes it's because you're overwhelmed, sometimes it's something more. Sometimes it's personal and sometimes it's for someone else. I'm a very upbeat and optimistic person, but I really can't remember back to what it was like to have a day without tears. Seems like a paradox but I guess that's just my life. Good thing we have such perfect-for-us husbands. Mine is what keeps me sane, I think.

Anonymous said...

I cry a lot. I hate that I do but I can't help it. I feel like such a wuss or worry that the other person (ok, my husband is usually the other person) will think I'm trying to manipulate him but there's really nothing I can do about it. And it is cathartic. Not that you feel better, per se, but I think it is definitely a release.
I think I cried for a month when we came back from Korea.

Irrational Dad said...

I never cry. Never... but a couple weeks ago, I did. I felt like I just couldn't handle it anymore. I gave the baby to Sarah and went upstairs to "cry it out". God, it helped so much.

When you get like that, open up Word or get out a notebook and start writing your thoughts. You don't necessarily need to put them here if you're feeling shy about it. But, writing your thoughts and feelings down can be a great outlet and will help vent some of those feelings. When you're feeling good again, you can either delete (or burn) your writings, or save them for some later reading.

Anonymous said...

Woops, forgot my postly reference to the Bible! "There is a time to mourn", or cry. ;)

Natalie said...

momo fali - maybe that's my problem. um...no...i don't think so. if i don't ever stop then i will blame the hormones!

heyjoe - thanks. i appreciate your encouragement!

supersmartkooger - i know it doesn't make me a baby. i am just not used to crying everyday. it will pass. thanks for being a fan AND a friend!

mamadallama - maybe that's true. maybe the days of not crying are over. i can't imagine it though. maybe because right now the tears don't feel good. i tend to try to hide my emotions if i can. tears are a sure sign that something is up! no hiding! i guess i should get used to it!

~m - i agree that crying is a release. my problem is that once i start i have a hard time stopping! if i cry one day i will probably cry for 3. we are going on 28 days now. crazy!

joe - wow! i am glad to hear that. i have been writing my thoughts. so far i have saved them. one of these days i might delete them, but right now i can't. too much. thanks for sharing!

supersmartkooger - thanks!