I feel the need to say something. To speak. To cry. To scream. I sit down and look at this blank box begging me to write something and I wonder why. Why should I write? Who is going to read it anyway? What does it matter? So I get up and pace back and forth glancing at my computer as it mocks me. And I am mad. Mostly I am mad at myself. For thinking. I wish I could turn my mind off sometimes and just quiet the thoughts. Yesterday for a bit I was able to do that. But not today. It's almost like I am two people. The sane, practical, rational, normal person that makes up the majority of who I am. And this other person who has come to play quite a bit lately. An irrational, emotional sister making her frustrations known. When she is here I don't know what to do with her. All I can do is cry, scream, pace. And pray. In these moments even my prayers have been screamed out. I know that is ok. I am thankful that is ok.
I know my blog has been quite sullen and melancholy lately. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry there haven't been fun posts. Tastes tests. Things to make you smile. With all that I have going on over the next 2 months as we prepare and then move back to the states I don't know if I will have much of that to share. I will be looking for it though. For the fun. And I can promise you if I find it you will be the first to know.
And for those of you wondering...no I am not suicidal. I have never, ever had any thoughts about harming myself or anyone else. So don't go there.