header-photo

Friday, October 10, 2008

tithtihediml

I feel the need to say something. To speak. To cry. To scream. I sit down and look at this blank box begging me to write something and I wonder why. Why should I write? Who is going to read it anyway? What does it matter? So I get up and pace back and forth glancing at my computer as it mocks me. And I am mad. Mostly I am mad at myself. For thinking. I wish I could turn my mind off sometimes and just quiet the thoughts. Yesterday for a bit I was able to do that. But not today. It's almost like I am two people. The sane, practical, rational, normal person that makes up the majority of who I am. And this other person who has come to play quite a bit lately. An irrational, emotional sister making her frustrations known. When she is here I don't know what to do with her. All I can do is cry, scream, pace. And pray. In these moments even my prayers have been screamed out. I know that is ok. I am thankful that is ok.

I know my blog has been quite sullen and melancholy lately. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry there haven't been fun posts. Tastes tests. Things to make you smile. With all that I have going on over the next 2 months as we prepare and then move back to the states I don't know if I will have much of that to share. I will be looking for it though. For the fun. And I can promise you if I find it you will be the first to know.

And for those of you wondering...no I am not suicidal. I have never, ever had any thoughts about harming myself or anyone else. So don't go there.

16 comments:

Headless Mom said...

Oh, Natalie. Of course you're in a funk. You've lived in Turkey longer than anywhere! You're leaving soon to go half way around the world. Any sane, rational person would feel the same way.

We are here to read when you want to write, hug when you need it, and cheer you when you have the small victories that WILL come. Hang in there and we're all here to welcome you back to the states with open arms!

Memarie Lane said...

If you always wrote the same way you couldn't possible be real. Where are you moving to in the states? I have an opening for a new neighbor. :P

LiteralDan said...

Don't apologize-- your blog is a reflection of you!

Your feelings are understandable, and we'll all be here reading no matter what.

HeyJoe said...

WE read it, even if we don't always comment.

The black hole in the writer's soul. We've all been there. It will pass but you can't force it.

Misfit Hausfrau said...

I just went through the madness of our 10th move in 15 years. None of them, however, have involved an international move. I can't even imagine what stress that involves.

This is your blog--you write (or don't) however you please. One of the unexpected benefits of my blog has been that fact that it has been therapeutic. I write horrible things sometimes, butI feel better.

Kate said...

I think I can relate to how you feel.. except I feel it with my mom..

I don't want to relate to her..
I don't want to spend time with her.

Been seeing a therapist for the issues related to my mom - and realized some pretty painful things.. and now I want a hiatus..
but...

how do you take a vacation from you mom?

When I do talk to her.. I'm quiet, don't say much because I won't say what I feel - no matter how hurtful she can be I cannot justify hurting her back..

I know she wants more.. but right now I just don't have it to give..

I read your post about the Lazy Susan.. and I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Joe said...

Don't you worry. It'll come. I sometimes stress about what I should blog about. I hesitate to do a "I'm super sad" blog, because I don't want to put people through that, but I enjoy reading other peoples' blogs when they get real like that.

So... write when you're ready. I don't expect you'll be losing any fans in the meanwhile.

supersmartkooger said...

I must be mysterious, but don't worry, I'm no stalker. You know my family. We will give you a BIG hug when you get here.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34"

I think that about sums it up. :)

Mamadallama said...

Well, we just moved for the second time in 3 months and it was really really stressful. Both times. But moving from Turkey to the states? With kids and all? Yikes! I think anyone can understand how that would be stressful. It's just that there's so much to do and much of it cannot be done ahead of time so you know there's going to be that terrible mess of stuff to do all at once. But it will get done and everything will work out. In the meantime, write what you want when you want, don't worry about entertaining anyone. I know I'll be checking in on you most days to see how you're doing. I can't explain it, but I'm sure you feel the same about the people whose blogs you read. We read which is why we care and we care which is why we read.

Domestic Goddess said...

Hey, I read it! And, your stress and feelings are totally believable AND very real. You have major life-changing events going on, of course you are stressed out! Don't worry about giving us what we want to read, we come here to read about the real you.

sista #2 said...

ohhhh....I hate when THE FUNK hits. You have alot on your plate right now. Shit, I cannot even imagine what moving from another country is like....all the crap you have to take care of.

You will be fine, take a deep breath and have a beer.

peace
#2

derya said...

It's the human condition, Nat, being up and down. If that would result in suicide every time, we would have considerably less people on earth, and definitely more men :) Nevertheless, it is frustrating.. I'll be praying for you.. Tons of love..

jfoodyum said...

Hi! I've been thinking about you. -J

Lianne/Celia Darling said...

It sounds like you are in the middle of "transition". You remember "transition".. that part of labor right before the baby is born. Well, we go through many types of transitional phases in our lives. It just means the end is near.

Blessings on you and your family.

Momo Fali said...

There is nothing wrong with sullen and melancholy. They are part of life just as much as smiles and laughter. You have nothing to be sorry about.

thewishfulwriter said...

Hang in there. We all have days, even weeks and sometimes months when we feel like this.

I'm glad you blogged about it. It does keep your blog honest, real. I debated whether or not to do a sad post when I had to put my cat down...didn't want to bring people down if they came to my blog for a laugh. But after thinking it through, I realized that my readers are more than just readers. They've become my friends and I'm always upfront, honest and emotionally raw with my friends.